Tammy Duckworth was prepared to die for her country. But the Army Black Hawk helicopter pilot never expected to return home severely injured. Helicopter pilots who are hit by enemy fire usually perish in a fire when their aircraft crashes.
"I thought I'd come home in a box or I'd be fine," she says, of her time serving in the Iraq War. But when her helicopter was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade, severing her legs, she went from "being a hotshot stud helicopter pilot to near death in a split second."
Her story, told in her own words, concludes msnbc.com's series of essays by Iraq war veterans who, like the victims of the Haiti earthquake, are a growing number of amputees learning to rebuild their lives after limb loss.
Duckworth was nominated last year by President Barack Obama to serve as the Department of Veterans Affairs' assistant secretary for public and intergovernmental affairs. She's also completed the Chicago Marathon, fulfilling a promise she made to herself when she was recovering at Walter Reed Medical Center. She continues to serve as a major in the National Guard.
By Tammy Duckworth
It was exactly eight months to the day from when I first arrived in Iraq. My crew woke up early that morning and we flew the entire day -- it was a really good day.
On the way back to Balad from Baghdad, we received a radio call asking us if we could divert and pick up some soldiers in Taji who needed a ride north. In 2004, riding on a convoy was one of the most dangerous things to do in Iraq.
After making the stop, we took off again. I had just handed over the flight controls when we flew right into an ambush. I heard the tap, tap, tap on the fuselage, and I knew we were hit.
When events like that happen, your training kicks in. You just do the job that you have trained to do, because it takes everyone in your crew doing their job, to get out safely. I was in and out of consciousness. The last thing I remember thinking was that I needed to try and do an emergency engine shutdown to prevent a fire. I didn't realize that I had been severely injured. I didn't know my legs were gone. My brain and body just kept trying to fly.
I woke up 10 days later at Walter Reed Memorial Hospital in Washington, D.C. Going in and out of consciousness, I kept hearing the nurses and doctors saying something about a helicopter crash. I was devastated; I thought, "I didn't do my job. I didn't land the aircraft and I let my men down. I failed as a pilot, as a soldier, as an officer. I deserve to lose my legs."
It wasn't until I saw my crew chief a few days later before we were both headed into surgery that I learned we actually did land the aircraft and everyone was safe. Ever since that moment I've been at peace with my wounds, because until what would have been my last breath I was trying to do my job as a soldier. I didn't quit trying. I can live with that.
Even before I woke up in the intensive care unit, my husband sat at my bedside and said three things over and over: You were injured. You are at Walter Reed. You are safe. He knew that just hearing the name Walter Reed would convey to me that I was in the very best hands.
For me the Soldier's Creed was critical to my survival after I was injured. It states in part that "I will always place the mission first. I will never quit. I will never accept defeat. I will never leave a fallen comrade." I put that creed outside of my door because I wanted anyone entering my hospital room to know that a soldier lay in that room. I wanted people to know that I earned my wounds and was not someone to be pitied. I also put it on the wall opposite of my bed so that I could read it every day. It carried me through on many days.
Recovering from a devastating injury is not easy. I had bad days and I had good days. But the little victories were essential to my progress and recovery.
My right arm had also been badly injured as well in the attack and during one of my physical therapy sessions, I was told to squeeze a device that would measure the pressure I was able to exert with my grip; essentially it showed how much strength I had in that hand. I squeezed with every effort and muscle in my body -- but the gauge wouldn't budge. I was devastated. How would I ever get the strength I needed to fly again?
The head of the therapy department realized how upset I was. He grabbed a single thin white sheet of paper and told me to try and hold it. So I did, confused as to what he was getting at. He then said to me, "See, you do have grip strength. Today, it's one piece of paper. Tomorrow, it will be two pieces. The next day it will be three pieces, and the next day four. And pretty soon, you will be able to hold a whole stack in your hand. You do have strength there; don't let this machine tell you that you don't, because you do and we will get you back to where you need to be." More often than not, it was about baby steps.
Throughout my recovery, I was fortunate to meet a number of fellow amputees who help to show me the way back to a normal life. I was the fifth women amputee from the Iraq conflict. Before I even woke up all four of the previous female amputees had been to Walter Reed to see my family and to see me. They showed me their weaknesses, their vulnerability and their strength. I hung onto their strength, because I knew that if they could get through it and survive, then so could I.
One of the most important messages that I learned throughout my recovery was that life was going to be normal again. It might not be the exact same as before my injury, but my husband and I still have fights like every other married couple -- we don't fight over the fact that I don't have my legs but we fight about what TV show to put on, or whose turn it is to cook dinner. It doesn't get more normal than that.
I don't know why I survived Iraq and I don't know why I made it home, but I do know that this is my second chance at life and I can do whatever I want now. I'm even doing things I never thought I would do before I lost my legs, like completing the Chicago Marathon.
I still fly. I do it because I love it and because, in a way, it is me having control of my life. It is not letting the insurgent who shot an RPG at me have control of my life. He is not going to take something away from me. I am going to live my life the way I want to live it.
It has been a long road to recovery. But life does go on. Sometimes it takes dealing with a disability -- the trauma, the relearning, the months of rehabilitation therapy -- to uncover our true abilities and how we can put them to work for us in ways we may have never imagined. It's not about what we lost. But it's about the way our eyes have been opened to new talents, and new abilities that we can now put to use in building productive and rewarding lives.
As amputees, we have adapted, we are stronger and we can make the most out of our second chances.
To watch videos of Tammy Duckworth on MSNBC cable, click here.
Leave a Comment:
You are truly an amazing person and a patriot. Thank you for your service!
Wow...that is a powerful story and once very close to my heart. I can only pray that people start to speak up and not wait until the story hit's home...These veterans need our help, I believe, for life...
When you see a Vet come home...who's been the bread winner and now he's unable (unlike Ms. Duckworth) to pull it together...they need & DESERVE our support for the sake of their family.
There is NOT ENOUGH being done for the guys and women who come back with serious issues. I strongly feel that the medical bills should be covered 100% for life! That's one load off their shoulders!
It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure this out...just the right "powers that be" to wake up and make it happen.
Oh and btw...Ms. Duckworth...you are one incredably woman! Bravo!!!
After fighting with the VA for ever percentage point over 30 years. Now they tell me I've got to send money to take it to court. They WIN! I give up. To all the new Veterans that are coming out hurt. Bug the holy crap out of the VA and make sure you have a paper trial of when you can't work. Don't do like I did and think that the VA are on your side. Others might be worse off and you don't want to be a bother. BE A BOTHER, BE IN THE WAY, FILL UP THE WAITING ROOMS. Remember the Squeaky wheel gets the grease. Good luck brothers!
never give up brother until you can not breath anymore! remember we have only begun to fight!
SEMPER-FI
SGT DANNY PRINCE
RETIRED
The one thing all veterans deployed should do is write in a journal every day. Write about everything especially any event that could affect your mental and physical health now and in the future. If you're are in a fire fight, or IED, or even a vehicle accident, write down details, when and where and who was with you. Dates and times are so important. Make sure you go to the treatment facility no matter how small and get examined. Its not your fault if the active duty side and the VA dispute the incident in which you claim you hurt your back, or had a concussion, or even one of the causes of your PTSD. Many of you claimed to have all these issues, and you weren't even involved in any incidents, so you make it bad for the fighters that were. I took care of a guy who claimed multiple health issues, but found out to have been deployed to Kuwait as a cook, no combat missions, and spent almost a year in WTB while working part time in the evenings at Wendy's. So if you are a legitimate warrior, don't quit or give up ever, if you have those injuries, make someone listen. You are one of thousands who deserve all the America can provide.
You are truly an inspiration to others with 'disabilities' out here! I think the way you have coped with your injuries is fantastic. God Pray there are many others out there who can find a way to turn 'disability' into ability. God Bless You!!
Thank you for your service. I have had RA and OA with all of pain and disabilites for 20 years but I can see that my trials have been trivial in comparison. God bless you for being such an example of greatness.
This makes me hate the fact that we've wasted so much time, money and lives in that god forsaken country even more...
thats the reason it takes a special kind of person to be in the military and follow orders. the military personnel sacrafice so much for country and freedom, in far out places in the hardest of times. but soho i agree with you,wars should be run by military generals,admirals. i feel with belief and heart. keep the support for our veterans.
it is wonderful to learn of one person able to look upon this turning point in life in a positive way.
the treatment of our veterans and many of our citizens is a national disgrace !
may GOD forgive us for this .
we spend friviously on so many inapropriate things .
I have always had great respect for those who serve but this just makes me so much more proud to be an ARMY brat. Some of my father's friends were 160 SOAR and in honor of them I wear NSDQ. So to Mrs. Duckworth, thank you for not quiting, and showing the world just how strong our citizens really are!!!
i appreciate what you have done for our country, you are a strong woman, for going through it all. i am really happy that you have your life back on track with your family. may god bless you and your family and keep up the great work you have accomplished.
Thank you for your service to your country and your comrades. May the God of all religions bless and comfort you. Again, thank you.
God bless you sister vet. I am humbled, thank you for your service may God bless and keep you and your family always in his loving care.
You are truly an inspiration. God bless you for your courage and commitment. You are a very determined woman. No amount of thanks is worthy to you and your comrads who have given up so much for our country. I thank you for sharing and for being you.
Dear Tammy and your Husband and Family,
Thank you is so little to say to you but from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for your service to our country and for your inspiration to all of us to NEVER GIVE UP AS LONG AS WE HAVE BREATH - life is precious, life is good and GOD IS GREAT! I AM 78;during World War II, My Mother had 2 Brothers in the Army, I in the Navy, I in the Marines and My Father had a brother in the Air Force. Freedom has never been free - thank you for keeping our country free! You and yours are in my prayers!
A proud and grateful Christian. American, FREE woman - LOVE to you! God Bless You!
i served in the marine corps and seen a lot, but this brought tears to my eyes...Major you show the spirit 0f our motto"SEMPER -FI"...i would be proud to serve with you any and everwhere. god bless you and continue recovery! i stand before you as a fellow marine; i got your back!
SEMPER-FI
SGT. DANNY PRINCE (RETIRED)
Wow! I am speechless and in awe....What a story of sacrifice and courage! I am a fellow Marine and I respect you so much. You have shown me that which is so important! I always wanted to be a pilot when I was in but it was not open to women. So I am so thankful for this story and how you have touched me deeply. Semper Fi...We all need to remember what that means and how we show it each and every day. My son is a Marine serving in Afghanistan and you have to be prepared for whatever happens! Thank you for serving your country with dignity and grace...
So, while we are all admiring the courage of the helicopter pilot who had the best medicine possible; do we forget the thousands of Iraqi's who did nothing except live in a country that has the oil America wants?
Do we forget we have the blood of at least a million Iraq innocents on our hands, many who were blown apart by our missiles, but alas had no training, no medical care, no hope. I can not forget that every soldier in Iraq has innocent blood on their hands!!! Iraq also has universal health care, unlike the US, but unfortunately we have destroyed most of their infrastructure, so if you can get your bloody baby to the clinic, there is probably no medicine or power. Isn't is great to be AMERICAN!!!
Can't believe you would say the things you say and actually believe them. Maybe you're in shell shock which can affect your thinking, you know. I understand many of our warriors are continuing to suffer from the brain damage that is caused by the sounds of war. Oh, I also read where the number of prosthetics for feet, legs, hands, arms are on the rise. When Steel Magnolia's star, Dolly Parton said "there are some sick cookies out there" perhaps she wasn't referring to those brave and caring warriors but to people as yourself who continue to belittle America's mission to help another country's people to live their lives from under the brutality of dictatorship that had become as crooked as a rattle snake.
Why don't you take a few deep breaths and be glad you're alive in a free country.
wow! your story is for sure about a very well trained soldier and a very caring person.
Having no money these days except my Social Security check I can only send you my respect and gratification for someone like you. Admiration seems such a small word for such a big event in your life. Carry on, Soldier Lady!!